The Crazy Joke Thread

[Bokteelo]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said,’You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Christmas Season Begins…...

[h3llb3nd4]

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

----------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[h3llb3nd4]

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[SkyKast]

Thanks for the jokes guys!!!

Here's another...

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

[h3llb3nd4]

LOL pwnd
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[SkyKast]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[h3llb3nd4]

LOL that truck driver got pwnd
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

[Taz100420]

One day Bob was having a guilty feeling about his work. So Bob goes on about the day feeling guilty and a voice pops into his head. "Bob, you have nothing to worry about. People cheat on their wives all the time." The voice reassures him that all is fine. So his guilty feeling starts to subside. Then another voice pops in, "But Bob, you are a veterinarian......"

[Taz100420]

I had to clean this one up abit.

A boy and his grandad are out fishing and the boys g-pa opens up a can of beer and starts to drink it when the boy asks if he can have a sip. The g-pa resonds Can ya touch yer penis to yer browneye? The boy says no and thats his answer to him then. Then the g-pa lights up a cigarette and the boy asks if he can have a puff, the g-pa asks the same question Can ya touch yer penis to yer browneye? Again the boy says no.

So later the boy pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eating them. The g-pa asks if he can have one and the boys asks his g-pa if he can touch his penis to his browneye. The G-pa responds Why yes I can! And the boy yells at him Good go screw yerself because you ainy gettin any of my cookies!

[WhiteLotus]

"Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.
"Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard."

[Taz100420]

An american and an Englishmen were on the same train in the same cab. The American was drunk spouting off to the Englishman. "I am 1/3 French, 1/3 Dutch and 1/3 German. What do you have to say about that Brit?" And the Englishman responds "Very sporting of your mother!"

[crtecha]

I have a true story thats can be considered a joke.

I few years ago we took a older fellow out for his birthday. The dude was cool and we all worked with him. So were at the bar knockin back a few and this barfly had been flirting with him all night. So James looks to me and said "Hey she's gonna show me her tattoo." I replied with cool bro what does she have and he said "she has a mouse down there ya know down there". So I just laughed well next thing I know he falls out of his stool and is crying he's laughing soo hard. I said James what's wrong and right when I looked up she said Ill show you too. She pulls her waist band down and i looked and I didnt see anything. I said to her "sweetheart I don't see a tattoo". She looked down surprised and said " Damnit my pussy must of ate it". It was probably the best night James ever had.

[Bokteelo]

Two men are talking one day and the first man tells the second man he is having trouble getting an erection and that he thinks he should go to the doctor to find out why. The second man tells the first name that he once had that problem and that he did go to a doctor. So the second man tells the first man that the doctor told him to put some of his wife’s “female lubrication” on his nose, and that it worked with great success. So the first man, in utter desperation, decides to try it. So he goes home that night and slips into bed next to his sleeping wife. He reaches down and get some of her “lubrication” and puts it on his nose. Sure enough he starts to get an erection. So he gets some more, and some more. Soon he has a full erection. Excited and exhilarated, he turns the light on and starts to wake his wife “HONEY, HONEY LOOK!”. His wife rolls over, looks at him, and says “You woke me to tell me you had a bloody nose?”

[Bokteelo]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians just used a pencil.

[Bokteelo]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is… “Top O the mornin’ to ya.”

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.

They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“And what would ya be usin’ em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything don’t they!.”

[Bokteelo]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

[DrPepper]

Interestingly enough 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[SkyKast]

Originally Posted by Bokteelo

Two men are talking one day and the first man tells the second man he is having trouble getting an erection and that he thinks he should go to the doctor to find out why. The second man tells the first name that he once had that problem and that he did go to a doctor. So the second man tells the first man that the doctor told him to put some of his wife’s “female lubrication” on his nose, and that it worked with great success. So the first man, in utter desperation, decides to try it. So he goes home that night and slips into bed next to his sleeping wife. He reaches down and get some of her “lubrication” and puts it on his nose. Sure enough he starts to get an erection. So he gets some more, and some more. Soon he has a full erection. Excited and exhilarated, he turns the light on and starts to wake his wife “HONEY, HONEY LOOK!”. His wife rolls over, looks at him, and says “You woke me to tell me you had a bloody nose?”

that shit is gross!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[WhiteLotus]

Originally Posted by DrPepper

Interestingly enough 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

sickipedia?lol

[DrPepper]

Originally Posted by WhiteLotus

sickipedia?lol

Little brother told me that. I thought it was hilarious when I figured it out.

[WhiteLotus]

Originally Posted by DrPepper

Little brother told me that. I thought it was hilarious when I figured it out.

lol fair enough.

i have loads but none sfw

[ShadowFold]

Originally Posted by DrPepper

Interestingly enough 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Oh wow it took me like a minute to figure that one out

[DrPepper]

Originally Posted by ShadowFold

Oh wow it took me like a minute to figure that one out

Faster than me

[JC316]

Originally Posted by ShadowFold

Oh wow it took me like a minute to figure that one out

Hehe, you got it faster than I did. Took me a good while.

[SkyKast]

FFS!!! I didn't get it until just now hahah :/

anywats here is another, I love this one, my friend told me this one

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."