kwchang007
New Member
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2007
- Messages
- 3,962 (0.63/day)
- Location
- Severn, MD, USA.
| Processor | C2D T7200@2 ghz vcore: .9875 |
|---|---|
| Motherboard | generic laptop board |
| Cooling | fan control and antec notebook cooler |
| Memory | 2 GBs@ 533 mhz ddr2 |
| Video Card(s) | x1400 mobile, overclocked: 526mhz core/ 882mhz ddr |
| Storage | 120 GB@ 5400 rpm fujitsu |
| Display(s) | 15.4" 1440x900 |
| Audio Device(s) | integrated |
| Software | vista 32 bit home premium |
First off I didn't know he was banned till he sent me a message in myspace. Well he has something to say for himself....and here it is
I think you have noticed that I have been rather "cynical" lately, and not myself, well I realized this when I got a temporary ban for "being an asshole", and basically I would like to write a story of WHY this occurred, and I would ask you to quote the following paragraph, perferably in a new thread but a popular thread such as the picture thread would work as well.
"Hello everyone, I see that you all miss me, and I would like to take the time to explain my rude behavior on the forums.
Due to various "environmental" factors, mostly my school, the circumstances I am in and other stuff, I have had a personality shift, from calm, collected and overall a "light, airy and bright" person, to an unstable, angry, suicidal and impulsive person.
Imagine this: You were taught at a young age to be your own boss, to set goals to yourself and to control your life, it gives you a great self-discipline character, one that sets goals to oneself and you become like a "parent to yourself", this is what I had become.
One thing you taught yourself to do was always "be neutral", if you are having a bad day, don't show it, it can only hurt your chances of achieving your goals, always be calm, polite and direct, and that way teachers will see me as motivated and are more likely to nominate me to various higher-education groups, and to be honest it has worked almost flawlessly, I have gotten into the gifted program, my teachers see me as as star student and I am overall going into the direction of success.
Now, imagine that you hate the circumstances you are in, you feel resentful and angry because society keeps on screwing you over, now I am certainly NOT the only person to experience this, over half of the kids in my class and most of my friends from the SWAS (gifted) program hate the "environment" they are in, I would go to detail but it would take up my entire night to write in all of the details, but long story short, you are neglected, beaten down, and that sort of stuff, and so are all the kids around you, some of my friends have become suicidal and not themselves over this, just like I have, only I am a in slightly different case which makes it a lot worse than me.
Remember how I said that I suppress all of my negative feelings? Well this is what happened, some minor things started to bug me, no biggie, I shrugged of the fact that my science teacher is a pedophile, then more stuff came in, I thought, big deal, I have been through way worse, and carried on, and even though I THOUGHT I shrugged it off, it didn't, my daily annoyances began to eat away at me, and I had no idea I was even feeling any anger (I don't "feel" myself suppressing my negative feelings anymore, it is involuntary), and I continued through my daily life.
I started to have a "twang" to my behavior, I was becoming more and more annoyed at stuff on CNN, I began to criticize people more, and worst of all, I was getting more and more annoyed at everyday stuff, and all this time I had no idea I was even mad, I DID know that I was annoyed at the thing that was annoying me, but I just shrugged it off and carried on.
This created a loop, and I began to really get "responsive", friends wondered why I always kept to myself all day, talking to nobody, then BAM! I butted into a conversation that was annoying me, my friends noticed this, but once again, due to my "exterior", even my very observant parents noticed nothing, and to be honest, they still know nothing.
Then came the stage where I really went off my rocker, basically I triggered a chemical imbalance in my brain, I became suicidal, wondering about "the end", and I also plotted mass murders in my spare time, thinking about how nice it would be to come to school with a machine gun and shoot everyone, or round up all my enemies at school, send them to the basement cafeteria, and gas them, I became very cynical and "dark", always keeping to myself, a few girls in my classroom noticed this, and being the nice girls they were they pressed me to tell them what was wrong, and I honestly told them, nothing, because even at this point, I felt nothing, nothing except a burning pain in my head, I cannot describe it, but it feels like your head is swimming with anger, it would not go away, it was just there, burning, but all of this time I still thought that everything was fine, because my exterior self felt everything was fine, and I just was covering up my own rage, which by now I was now beyond unstable, I was not able to think about my actions, only act, and infrared noticed this, and banned me for being an asshole, I don't blame him.
Well I had several days of rest, and I think I have settled down somewhat, and I would like to take the time to apologize to those who I have wronged or annoyed, or planned to torture/execute in my macabre fantasies.
Once again I apologize, and I greatly anticipate my return to TPU, if the mods allow it of course, but considering my past behavior, I will not be surprised if you mods/guys don't want me there.
-russianboy
