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Steam Skyrim Contest !!

Discussion in 'Games' started by Kreij, Nov 8, 2011.

  1. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    You're winner!

    The worst PC game I have ever played? Well that's an easy one.

    The absolute worst game I have ever played, on any console, was Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. It can't have been that bad can it? Yes, it could. A team of monkeys could have made a game more playable than this. I swear the Russian developers Stellar Stone carefully engineered this game in the Cold War as a secret weapon of mass destruction to incapacitate America's youth, rendering them completely insane. I was lucky, I was discovered three weeks later in fetal position rolling in my own urine after playing this "game" for a mere 20 minutes. This isn't just a game, it's am embodiment of pure evil.

    So why is this game so bad? Well to call it a game is a stretch. On the box it shows colorful picture of a truck, obviously being possessed by some kind of speed demon, speeding away from a cop attempting to body slam the truck. AWESOME! Oh wait, it would be, if the box wasn't a steaming pile of LIES. So let's delve into the actual gameplay. Upon starting up the game you are greeted by a menu and some music, which sounds like Donald Duck having some kind of seizure listening to techno music. Go to map selection, and pick one of the five maps. Oh wait, only four maps. the fifth one apparent blows up your computer. I wish that I was fortunate enough to have clicked that map the first time... it would have saved me from the lasting mental scars this game gave me.

    Now onto the actual gameplay! You start out in your shoddy truck, next to another shoddy truck. The countdown begins, as apparently there's some kind of race going on. Adrenaline pumps and you are set to GO! ...and nothing happens. You can move forward all you want, but the developers were too busy laughing at this terrible game they were about to release that they forgot to include any kind of AI. Oh that's OK though, because like many popular games of our time, they released a patch shortly after release to fix this issue. Oh goodie! Now the AI truck actually moves... at about the speed of a cucumber. Yup, after a mere half an hour the truck finally will arrive at the finish line! ...and stop... That's right, you CAN'T POSSIBLY LOSE THIS GAME! But it's not all that bad, because apparently the Soviet developers implemented one of the most advanced physics engines I've seen in a game. If you drive into a house, a tree, or whatever other lazy prop they included, your truck will completely dematerialize and pass through the object. That's right, if there's a bridge in front of you, you will go under the bridge. Which makes me wonder why they didn't name the game Big Rigs: Under The Bridge Racing! So now your state-of-the-art, dematerializing truck, can also go explore the incredibly vast game world *eye roll*. You see, the world is surrounded by mountains. But like I said, this truck is of high-tech Soviet design, so it can easily tackle the 90 degree slopes of these mountains. On the other side is THE VOID! A place so bleak it makes you lose all hope in Humanity; assuming you haven't lost it by playing this game yet. Actually, I'm getting tired of calling it a game, let's instead call it a "Soviet torture device". And though the developers put in a speed cap on your truck, they apparently forgot to put one in reverse. By holding down the reverse key your truck will go infinite speeds in reverse. Once again, these unbelievably innovative developers decided to include a truck that can not only break the sound barrier, but also makes interstellar travel possible.... in reverse. From experience in the transportation industry, I know how much of a concern it is to drivers to have their trucks going reverse at light speed whilst glitching through the floor, and plummeting into the gray abyss of the void. No problem! All you have to do is let go of the reverse key, and there you are, you just instantly stopped. This is revolutionary! Think of all the disasters which could have been averted if an 18 wheeler could stop on a dime! We were doing it wrong all these years! We have to drive in reverse.

    So if your brain isn't already dripping out of your ears from reading this, not to worry! Remember how I said you couldn't lose no matter what? Well once you're done your interplanetary travel in reverse, you can cross the finish line! Once you cross the finish line, you receive the greatest honor known to man. It's a trophy, with YOU'RE WINNER written underneath. Well that's nice, maybe that somewhat negates the agonizing pain in my spleen this game caused to me. But let's give it to the devs, not only did they revolutionize physics, but also the English language! I never knew, to this point, that WINNER was an adjective... This changes everything! Better get Charlie Sheen on the phone.

    Bob: Hey Greg
    Greg: Hey Bob, sure is a WINNER day today.
    Bob: Indeed it is Greg, a WINNER day indeed.


    But this game really wants to boost your confidence, as sometimes the trophy screen will appear without you doing anything... at all. I'm fairly certain that YOU'RE WINNER is now permanently engraved into my brain, and is probably manifesting into some kind of tumor by this point.

    I'm not even going to go into graphics or sound in detail. The graphics looks significantly worse than my pre-kindergarten nephew's finger-painting. Heck, the smiley face I made in the dust on my desk is the Mona Lisa compared to the graphics in this game. Everything looks like a color, it's almost as if I took my glasses off and designed a game map based off of the colors I saw... and not in an artsy indie-game sense. I'm almost having a seizure just thinking of the colorful train-wreck that this game is. And for sound... what sound? All there is in the whole game is the aforementioned song, though what I said about it was an understatement about how bad it actually is. It sounds as though a little kid was whacking his face on a keyboard which produces sounds similar to Donald Duck on helium, possibly while engaging in some kind of not-safe-for-work activity. Now take that, but it onto a techno beat which is so repetitive it turns you into a mindless dancing, drink-buying husk. Basically a club beat, developed by a DJ with a full 3 and a quarter days experience producing music. Now, take those two weapons of inner ear destruction, put them together, and loop them... forever. The music is what plays in the background in Hell while you're spending eternity raking leaves of fire, or whatever you do in Hell. All I can assure you, is that the music is definitely the worst part of it... unless of course you were forced to play this game for the rest of eternity, but even Satan isn't that cruel. Only Chuck Norris, or God himself could endure this for more than half a second before bludgeoning your speakers to death. I mean, it's only a matter of time until your natural self-preservation instinct kicks in. And when it does, there is little you can do to stop yourself from smashing your computer with a hammer until it no longer exists.

    So how bad is this game? Well let's just say that being hot glued to a Xylophone sounds like a more entertaining way to spend my time. I would rather be hung up as a human Pinata then play this Soviet torture device. I would rather play E.T. for the rest of eternity, than this. When I die the only thing I'll regret is the short time I had the misfortune to play this. This does not belong near my computer, it belongs in a toilet. I still cry myself to sleep every night while the image of YOU'RE WINNER flashes around in my brain.

    And that is why this is the worst Soviet torture device.... erm "game" I have ever played.

    tl;dr This emoticon pretty much sums it up :banghead:

    Steam name: Komaniax


    EDIT: I'm aware that people have posted the same game as myself, but I hate this game with a passion. And besides, everybody offers their own opinions on it :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011
  2. Ryfte New Member

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    The worst game ever...

    Well... just 1? Big Rigs has been pretty much pulverized and lies still as a pile of dust.

    I will take a step away and select two games and one which I simply cannot remember the name of as well.

    1. It was a great game. Shiny, pretty, played well, tons of support, three very good quality enhancements. It was Neverwinter Nights and I played it for numerous hours on end with different builds and characters. Solo play going through the campaign rocked hard and the online persistent worlds opened up a huge number of additional worlds to explore. Some were great while some weren't but they allowed for custom worlds running that anyone could log into.

    Then the second one was announced. The sequel if you will and not simply another expansion. It had been years and the fans looked forward to it quite eagerly. Then it arrived... and no one quite knew what to think. Was it good or not? It was prettier of course, shinier, with brand new art decorating it that was cutting edge. But gone was the large scenario with an expansive world you could move through. Running your own world was riddled with bugs. The program itself was riddled with bugs and had a major memory leak that was so inundated throughout the code that it took nearly two years to be fixed... by a fan. Was it playable, some believe so, but what was it that truly made it quite possibly the worst? It was the level of difference between the two of them. The franchise which was a golden goose had literally been cooked and eaten and the rotting carcass was all that remained. So, in one fell swoop it dashed the hopes and dreams of millions leaving the majority of the players simply stunned. :wtf:

    2. This leads me to thoughts of a game you can find on the internet today. Its by a small company that hopefully no one will recognize; Anvil Soft. They are indeed a minor company with a mere two games to their credit, both proudly displayed and sold on their site. The first, a sort of blaster-shooter game revolving around... vegetables. This then leads to the title I speak of actually, perhaps fitting as after consumption of a pile of vegetables you will need to use this. They actually have a game of the sanitary sciences of the porcelain throne and thus I announce; Toilet Tycoon. A game in which you get to perform your sanitation duties for a set of stalls in a bathroom. It's not so much that its a bad game, simply the fact that all you're doing in the game is dealing with... well... you know! :D

    And finally to the last...

    3. It was a good two or more decades ago, perhaps three. It was a game titled battle something... or armada something and it had some numbers in the title. The thing about it was that it was released only half completed. It quite literally did not have the ending included in it! It was missing entire sections of functionality as the developers had completely over-reached their funding, release schedule, and capabilities. Does anyone remember, based on that sketchy information, what the name of said game is? I burned it from my mind in utter disgust.

    Final Disclaimer: Big Rigs is without a doubt a travesty from beginning to end. No one would question that fact. However, when looking at it you have no question that it is in fact a piece of crap even before it is installed. There's no real surprise that it is simply horrible. You know what you're getting before you do in fact choose the self torture which Big Rigs actually is. This is definitely NOT a case of "pimp my ride!" :pimp:
     
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  3. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    I didn't know what I was getting into. I thought I was gonna be smuggling illegal cargo across the nation, while fleeing from cops with 18 wheels of thunder. I was wrong.

    And you should have continued to destroy Big Rigs. For without a doubt, it will once again manifest and reconstruct itself, and resume it's torture of innocents. We must trample it until it is dust, then we must light the dust on fire, then vacuum up the ash, then blow up the vacuum with C4, then poor lava over the remains, and encase the whole thing in concrete if we are to stand a chance against the evil that is Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.
     
  4. stinger608

    stinger608 Dedicated TPU Cruncher & Folder

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    Not joining this, however I sure hope that everyone has good luck!!! Ole uncle Kreij is awesome, and who ever wins will sure deserve it for sure!!! :)
     
    Crunching for Team TPU More than 25k PPD
  5. TheRagnarok

    TheRagnarok

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    The "worst PC game I've ever played" is a title befitting many, if not a majority of Value, Indie, w/e genres. I felt stuck at first on this topic/contest. Being so I just browsed my trusty steam games list, and low and behold there it was! Dog Fighter was the worst 88 minutes of my life. It was a game right up my alley, only $5 and it had the warplanes (I.E. Red Baron, WWI era planes)! But.... as I jumped in I soon realized that this was nothing more than a PvP mash-up of planes that flew like iron bathtubs with engines attached. It felt clunky (I even tried it with a controller) and just too arcadey for me to bare any longer than mentally necessary. And most of the players were just vets or maybe I just suck that bad? Seriously, they would just hover up real high in the map and just pew pew you while you were engaging somebody down below. Also, the little caves you could fly under were cool and all...but my "moves" just ended with me getting plowed into a wall by a more "experienced" player. I was piggy-backed into the ground more than any mortal should bare.... So, that makes this game by far the worst in my book, I wanted to love it but now it just lives in my steam games list along with Altitude.

    And good luck to all of the other entrants! You guys made me laugh (in a good way)!
     
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  6. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    I just wanted to take the time to thank everybody who entered this competition for the great laugh it gave me. Honestly, you guys are hilarious. Whoever wins the priiiiiize definatly deserves it :D :toast:
     
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  7. theubersmurf

    theubersmurf

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    Today's the day, fingers crossed.
     
  8. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    This contest is now closed.
    Thanks to all who entered. The winner will be announced as soon as I get a chance to re-read and assess all of the entries.
     
  9. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    Drumroll .... AND THE WINNER IS .... votes still coming in from judges.
    This was just a teaser post. lol :p
     
  10. qubit

    qubit Overclocked quantum bit

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    Love it. :D I soo wanna know who. I'll bet it's me! me! me! :roll:
     
  11. theJesus

    theJesus

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    Just wanna say that it would be hilarious if somebody had come in here and made a rant about Skyrim being the worst game they ever played. Of course, they'd be lying unless it was the only PC game they've played.
     
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  12. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    LOL ... you guys are great, and thanks for participating in my wierd contests.
    I have a new contest ready to start right after this one ends that will give you constipation for a month trying to win it. :D
     
  13. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    Hey Kreij, have I ever mentioned how unbelievably awesome of a person you are to give away Skyrim :D

    And no, that wasn't me buttering him up, I was being honest :)
     
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  14. qubit

    qubit Overclocked quantum bit

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    Ah, damn! I hadn't thought of that. I could have made a superb entry based on this. :laugh:

    Yeah, +1. Kreij is easily one of the best members on here. :cool:

    Right, I've definitely won the competition now, or I'm taking it all back, lol.
     
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  15. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    Bah ... The members on TPU are the best, most helpful people I've ever met on the internet.
    They are biased, judgemental, trolling asshats who toss that to the side when someone really needs help, and they are always there when you need them.
    I just want to give something back to the community of worthless bastards who make dealing with computer problems a lot less frustrating and who always pitch in when someone has a problem with either software or hardware.

    I said that in the kindest way possible, and that's why I am proud to call TPU "home". :toast:
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2011
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  16. Damn_Smooth

    Damn_Smooth

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    Thanks for holding this contest Kreij. I didn't enter, but it was fun to read. This really is the best community there is. Congrats to whoever walks away with this.
     
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  17. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    Lol xD


    Just wanted to say, I have been on TPU before, thought people were funny and whatnot, but really had no incentive to join... that is, until this contest. So hey, win or lose, at least I discovered TPU. People here seem to be very entertaining, so I think imma stick around for a while :D
     
  18. qubit

    qubit Overclocked quantum bit

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    Sure, enjoy being part of the best forum on the internet. :) It's addictive, let me tell you. A little too addictive sometimes... :D
     
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  19. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    @Komania : Put your computer specs in using the UserCP or we will beat you mercilessly for the rest of your life. :D

    The new contest should peak everone's interest and motivate them to participate.
    I always have contests where people have to do a little work to make them fun.
     
  20. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    Lol, will do

    EDIT: Sorry, how exactly does one go about doing this again?
    EDIT x2: NVM found it :)
     
  21. theJesus

    theJesus

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    A spelling/grammar contest might pique everyone's interest. :p
     
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  22. Komania

    Komania New Member

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    It both piques and peaks my interest :3
     
  23. tigger

    tigger I'm the only one

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    Yeah, we need too teach everyone the correct use of there, their, and they're. i am dying to correct every time i see these misused but i would just get someones foot in my ass if i do.
     
  24. Damn_Smooth

    Damn_Smooth

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    It gets me when someone doesn't capitalize their i's.
     
  25. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    While I appreciate the grammar and spelling lessons, remember who has the banstick. :laugh:

    Results soon, judging responses incoming.
     
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