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The Crazy Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Nonsense' started by SkyKast, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Taz100420

    Taz100420

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    An Iraqi had a stomach ache and everything he did didnt cure it. So he goes to an American doctor and he was puzzled. So th next day, he went to an Iraqi doctor. The doc looks at him and says " Ok, take thees bucket, take a pezz and a sheet in it, put ur face over the top and cover ur head with a towel." So he does what the doc says and feels alot better. The next day he goes back to the doc and asks him why it worked and the doc responds "You were homesick."
     
  2. Taz100420

    Taz100420

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    A biker went into a movie theater and sees a women playing with herself. The biker all excited jumps up and offers his hand and she reluctantly accepts the help. So after an hour and a half his fingers are tired and he pulls his hand up and she starts goin at it again. "Damn baby wasent I good enough?" She responds "No you were GREAT! But these damn crabs itch way too much!"
     
  3. SkyKast

    SkyKast New Member

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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
  4. Taz100420

    Taz100420

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    What is the most EFFICIENT engine ever made?

    The Vagina, Its self lubricating, it starts with one finger, it changes its own oil once a month, and can accept any size piston!
     
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  5. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are alwaysgetting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
    So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
    The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
    "Do you know where God is, son?"
    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

    So the preacher repeated the question in an even
    sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
    raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
    "Where is God?!"
    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
    are in BIG trouble this time.

    GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!! !!!!
     
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  6. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
     
  7. silkstone

    silkstone

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    A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

    They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

    Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

    It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

    Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.



    The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

    Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

    She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



    The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
    nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.


    Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

    Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

    The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'





    Mum fainted...........................!
     
  8. silkstone

    silkstone

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    Gary Glitter is sat at home, watching DVDs when his girlfriend storms in and screams "Right!! Thats it, I am leaving, you never take me anywhere and everyone says you are a paedophile!!"

    Gary replies "Now thats a big word for a 12 year old?!!"
     
  9. silkstone

    silkstone

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    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

    The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

    The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

    "Great," replied the nurse.

    The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room,

    and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

    Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"

    Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
     
  10. Arctucas

    Arctucas

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    One beautiful summer day the local game warden is making his usual rounds, when he suddenly hears a muffled explosion coming from the nearby lake.

    He rushes down to the lake, expecting the worst, and spies an elderly gentleman in a boat several hundred feet from shore, but no-one else.

    Puzzled, starts to leave, when he hears another explosion, coming from the direction of the man in the boat.

    He watches the old gent for a few minutes, and observes him light a stick of dynamite and throw it into the water.

    After the explosion, the old guy rows over to where several fish, killed by the explosion, are floating on the surface, and scoops them up in a net.

    The game warden quickly locates a canoe tied to a nearby dock and paddles out to where the old man is quite obviously breaking the law, intent on arresting him.

    He pulls alongside just as the old guy is lighting another stick of dynamite, and says "You are not allowed to take fish that way!"

    The old codger looks at him with a twinkle in his eye, hands the game warden the lit stick of dynamite, and calmly replies "Are you going to sit there talking, or are you going to fish?"
     
  11. Katanai

    Katanai

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    So, there's a salesman and an apprentice. The salesman says to the apprentice: " After you learn a bit about this stuff, you'll be running things around here. So I got to teach you." They wait for a bit, a woman comes in and wants a bottle of window cleaner. The salesman goes in the back of the store and comes back with a bottle of window cleaner and a bottle of furniture cleaner. The lady says: " I just want the window cleaner". The salesman replies: " Dear Mam, if you're gonna clean your windows, fresh new light will come in, think about how the furniture will look". She says: "You're absolutely right." pays for the two bottles and leaves. Then the salesman says to the apprentice: "See ? This is how it's done." Another lady comes in and orders a bottle of furniture cleaner. Salesman goes in the back and comes out again with the two bottles. The lady asks why. The salesman says: Dear Mam, if you're gonna clean the furniture and tighten up a bit the whole house will look like new. Only the windows will remain dirty." She also agrees pays for the stuff and leaves. "Now it's your turn" says the salesman to the apprentice. After a while, a lady comes in and says: "A pack of tampons, please." The apprentice goes in the back and comes back with a pack of tampons, a bottle of furniture cleaner and a bottle of window cleaner. The lady says: "Why did you bring this stuff? I just ordered some tampons." The apprentice says: "Well if you're not having sex for the next couple of days, at least you can clean up the house a bit."
     
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  12. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

    "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

    Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
     
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  13. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.

    "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

    "To your house."
     
  14. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    a question, can we also post funny pics?
     
  15. JC316

    JC316 Knows what makes you tick

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    No, I doubt it. All of the funny pics threads get closed. To be sure, ask a supermod.
     
  16. D_o_S

    D_o_S Moderator

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    Please refrain from posting funny pics at this moment in time.

    Thank you for your understanding.
     
  17. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    k fine:( I'll wait
     
  18. SkyKast

    SkyKast New Member

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    yah guys plz don't post pictures, because I don't want this thing shut down

    but here is another:

    Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
    stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
    know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
    and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
    zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
    what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
    stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
     
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  19. Bow

    Bow

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    Last night I saw on the news a story about a little boy born in India with no eyelids. When doctors preformed his circumcision the used the forskin to make eyelids. Now the boy is a little cockeyed but doing well.
     
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    Crunching for Team TPU
  20. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

    He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

    Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

    "Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    oh yeah! my sig vv
     
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  21. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderatorâ„¢ Staff Member

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    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said:

    "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad, at the same time."


    She replied: "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
     
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  22. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
     
  23. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

    "Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

    The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

    "Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

    The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

    The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."
     
  24. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

    "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

    "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

    "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

    "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

    "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

    "What is that, my son?"

    "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
     
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  25. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.

    "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"

    "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
     

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