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The Crazy Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Nonsense' started by SkyKast, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

    No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

    The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

    On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

    Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

    "Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

    "Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

    "Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

    "Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

    "Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

    "Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

    "Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

    "Nope 34" replied the man.

    To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
    silkstone says thanks.
  2. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

    The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

    The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

    The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

    "Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

    "Sure", Says the Englishman.

    The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

    The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

    About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

    The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

    The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
    h3llb3nd4, SkyKast and Black Panther say thanks.
  3. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    Read it out loud ;)

    A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
    xfire says thanks.
  4. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    The following are new Windows messages that are supposedly under consideration for the planned Windows 7...

    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

    Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

    Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

    This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

    To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

    BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

    COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

    File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

    Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

    Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

    Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

    WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

    User Error: Replace user.

    Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

    Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
    h3llb3nd4, Ongaku and xfire say thanks.
  5. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Condoms in Isle 12
    This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

    The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

    The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

    So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

    So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

    The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

    So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

    So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

    The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

    So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

    When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
    MRCL says thanks.
  6. SkyKast

    SkyKast New Member

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    Did you hear about the blonde that...
    Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

    Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

    When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

    Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
    francis511 says thanks.
  7. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

    Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

    You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . . then finish off as an orgasm
    Weer and SkyKast say thanks.
  8. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

    <new page>

    Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

    Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2� inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

    All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

    Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

    Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
    mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

    Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

    If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.

    <new page>


    You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

    Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

    Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

    Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

    Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

    Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

    Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
    Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

    Problem: My foot pedal wont work
    Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

    Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
    Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

    Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
    Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

    Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
    Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

    Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
    Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

    Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
    Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

    ** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
  9. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    Some housekeeping tips:


    1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

    2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

    3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

    4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

    5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

    6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

    7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

    8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

    9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    11. Simplify... hire a maid.

    12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

    13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

    14. I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

    15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

    16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

    17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2009
  10. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
    SkyKast says thanks.
  11. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

    The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

    The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
  12. Arctucas

    Arctucas

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    A gentleman farmer has a woodlot that he wants to have cleared, so he places an advertisement in the local paper.

    The next day, the village idiot shows up and asks for the job.

    The farmer, although not exactly confident in his abilities, nonetheless decides to give him a chance.

    After showing the moron the proposed area to be cleared, "I have to go into town for a few hours" the farmer tells him. "The chainsaw is in the toolshed."

    Several hours later the farmer returns, expecting to see significant progress. However, while the simpleton is drenched with sweat from obvious physical exertion, only two small saplings have been cut down.

    "What have you been doing all this time?" the farmer asks angrily. "You should have been able to have cleared the entire lot by now!"

    "Give me that saw!" he exclaims. Taking the chainsaw in hand, he gives the starter rope a quick pull.

    The chainsaw roars to life, causing the dimwit to take several steps backward and with wide-eyed confusion, asks "What is that noise?"
  13. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

    The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

    The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

    The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

    The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

    The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

    The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
    xfire says thanks.
  14. Katanai

    Katanai

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    So, there's this emo duckling and this emo baby skunk. They are best friends, always hang out together, play together etc. One day the little emo duckling is looking all depressed and stuff, doesn't want to play, doesn't feel like hanging out... So the baby skunk goes up to him and says: "What's wrong with you?" The emo duckling replies: " I don't know, we've been hangin out for so much time now. I don't even know if I'm a duck or not." The baby skunk says: " What do you mean? You got feathers all over your body?" The duckling says: "Yeah I do." "You got that skin thing between your fingers?" says the baby skunk. " Yeah I do" replies the duckling. "See? You're a duck, dude." Some time passes and now the little emo skunk is depressed. The duckling goes to him and says:" What's wrong?" "Well, I don't know if I am a skunk or not." says the baby skunk. "Are you hairy?" says the duckling. "Yeah I am" says the emo skunk. " Do you smell badly?" says the duckling. "Yeah I do" says the emo skunk. "Dude, you're a cunt!"

    :)
  15. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

    The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

    "Just rub toilet paper between them."

    Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

    "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass."
  16. Black Panther

    Black Panther Senior Moderator™ Staff Member

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    Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

    Customer: A white one...

    ===============
    Customer: Hi, this is Mary. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry...

    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

    ============== =

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK!
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

    == =============

    Customer: can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ===============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Windows Explorer.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

    ===============

    And last but not least...

    Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
    h3llb3nd4 says thanks.
  17. Bow

    Bow

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    > A
    > Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
    > convertible out of the dealership.
    >
    > Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
    > the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
    >
    > 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing
    > the pedal even more..
    >
    > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper
    > behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He
    > floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
    >
    > Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old
    > for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's
    > arrival.
    >
    > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
    > Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift
    > ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a
    > reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
    > I'll let you go.'
    >
    > The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three
    > years
    > ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I
    > thought you were bringing her back.'
    >
    > 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the
    > trooper.
    >
    SkyKast says thanks.
    Crunching for Team TPU
  18. Bow

    Bow

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    A Cajun walks into a bar with
    a pet alligator by his side.





    He puts the alligator up on the bar.
    He turns to the astonished patrons.




    'I'll make you a deal. I'll open
    this alligator's mouth and
    place my manhood inside.





    Then, the gator will close
    his mouth for one minute.






    Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll
    remove my unit unscathed. In return
    for witnessing this spectacle, each of
    you will buy me a drink.'

    The crowd murmured their approval.
    The man stood up on the bar, dropped
    his trousers, and placed his Johnson
    and related parts in the alligator's open
    mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
    the crowd gasped. After a minute,
    the man grabbed a beer bottle and
    smacked the alligator hard on the top
    of its head.


    The gator opened his mouth and the man
    removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

    The crowd cheered, and the first of his free
    drinks were delivered.



    The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

    A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

    A blonde woman timidly spoke
    up.......... 'I'll try it. Just don't
    hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
    Error 404, h3llb3nd4 and SkyKast say thanks.
    Crunching for Team TPU
  19. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

    "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

    "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

    "Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.

    The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
  20. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

    An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

    The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

    "Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
  21. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    JAPANESE ERROR MESSAGE POETRY

    In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen:
    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Program aborting:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand-dollar screen dies
    So beautifully.

    With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    "My Novel" not found.

    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao-until
    You bring fresh toner.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
  22. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."



    This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends." So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"



    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
  23. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

    To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

    On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

    The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

    The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
  24. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

    The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
  25. silkstone

    silkstone

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    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic

    garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a

    while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a

    policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out

    of your bag.'

    'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and

    see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

    'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?'

    'You didn't steal it, did you?'

    'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right

    next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans

    come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand

    behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his

    thingey through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

    'Well, that seems only fair..' laughs the cop. 'OK? Good luck! Oh, by

    the way, what's in the other bag?'

    'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.

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