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The Crazy Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Nonsense' started by SkyKast, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Kreij

    Kreij Senior Monkey Moderator Staff Member

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    Location:
    Cheeseland (Wisconsin, USA)
    A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in Saratoga Wyoming.
    He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
    staring blankly at a full bowl of Wyoming style chili.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
    bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
    his best western cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

    Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
    place and starts spooning the chili in with delight. He gets nearly down to
    the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very
    shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly says, 'YEP, that's as far as I got, too.'
  2. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

    "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

    Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
  3. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

    Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
  4. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performances as lovers. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

    The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

    The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
  5. silkstone

    silkstone

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    My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day.


    That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform.




    They call it a rape helpline...

    ... then won't give me any tips, the bastards




    Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable.

    ....I think a few pornos and a dishwasher might beg to differ




    Me and the wife decided to have a threesome with my best friend last night.
    It was some of the best sex we've ever had.


    And I know he enjoyed it his tail hasn't stopped wagging!
  6. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
    In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
    The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
    Error 404 says thanks.
  7. silkstone

    silkstone

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    Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends. "It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick." "You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..." They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?" "Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" "You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it." She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner. "Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says. "What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
    h3llb3nd4 and xfire say thanks.
  8. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

    Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

    Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

    The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

    The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

    The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."
    JC316 says thanks.
  9. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
    A Litre of 2% milk,
    A carton of eggs,
    A Litre of orange juice,
    A head of lettuce,
    A can of coffee,
    And one pack of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
    The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "
    silkstone says thanks.
  10. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
    A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
    h3llb3nd4 says thanks.
  11. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

    A: Because he didn't want to fall into the hot chocolate.
  12. Wile E

    Wile E Power User

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    What's green and smells like ham?


    Kermit the Frog's finger

    :D
  13. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    struct female_professionals
    double styles;
    short skirts;
    long time_to_understand_problems;
    float mind;
    void knowledge;
    char non_co-operative;

    struct married_females
    double weight;
    short tempered;
    long gossip;
    float hopes;
    void word;
    char unstable;

    struct engaged_females
    double time_on_phone;
    short attention_on_work;
    long boast;
    float on_cloud_nine;
    void understanding;
    char edgy;

    struct newly_married_females
    double dinner_invitation;
    short time_at_work;
    long lunch_break;
    void bank_balance;
    char hen_pecked;

    struct husband_wife_professionals
    double income;
    short tempered;
    long time_no_see_each_other;
    void love_life;
    char money_making;

    struct beautiful_city_girl
    double boyfriends;
    short affairs;
    long stories;
    void greymatter;
    char flirt;

    struct old_lady
    double chin;
    short memory;
    long sighs ;
    void attention_from_men;
    char chatterbox;
  14. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

    The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

    The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

    Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

    The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

    This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

    The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

    Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

    The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

    After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
    Error 404 and h3llb3nd4 say thanks.
  15. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Computer Acronyms

    PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
    APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    SCSI - System Can't See It
    DOS - Defective Operating System
    BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    IBM - I Blame Microsoft
    DEC - Do Expect Cuts
    CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
    WWW - World Wide Wait
    MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
    COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
    LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
    MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
    MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
    h3llb3nd4 says thanks.
  16. SkyKast

    SkyKast New Member

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    For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    See if they can do it again.

    For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Say it's not supported
    Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.

    For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

    Tell them it's a feature
    Say it's not supported
    Change the documentation
    Blame it on the hardware
    Find a way around it
    Say they need an upgrade
    Reinstall the software
    Ask for a dump
    Run with the debugger
    Try to reproduce it
    Ask them how they did it and
    See if they can do it again.
  17. h3llb3nd4

    h3llb3nd4 New Member

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    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

    The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

    The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

    The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
  18. WhiteLotus

    WhiteLotus

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    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
    xfire says thanks.
  19. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Actual writings on hospital charts:

    1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
    states she was very hot in bed last night.

    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
    over a year.

    3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
    day it disappeared.

    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
    appears to be depressed.

    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
    in 1993.

    6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
    alert but forgetful.

    8. The patient refused autopsy.

    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
    hospital.

    11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
    insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
    three days.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
    lunch.

    13. She is numb from her toes down.

    14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    15. The skin was moist and dry.

    16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
    her life, until she got a divorce.

    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
    for physical therapy.

    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
    accommodation.

    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
    sized.
  20. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Attorney: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
    Mr.Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
    Pathologist: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Attorney: And Mr. Edgington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.




    The three latest stupid technological discoveries:
    1.) Solar powered flashlights.
    2.) Inflatable dartboards.
    3.) Helicopter ejection seats.




    Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes
    so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were
    done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of
    them yelled, "Whooo is it?"
    ‘‘the blind man!'' He yelled back.
    They decided since he was blind it would be all right.
    They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Where do you want the
    blinds?"
    h3llb3nd4 says thanks.
  21. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
  22. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

    The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

    The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

    The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

    They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

    She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
    Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
  23. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    This one is crazy

    What does F**K Mean?


    thier was this kid that always got picked on at school. everyday his friends and kids that whent to school always said to him f**k you.well the dumb kid always was curious about what
    the word f**k means. one day he got real
    sad and wanted to know what it meant,so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. he yelled
    "pah"and then his pa came out and asked what hell you want boy? the boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. and then his pah said son i think its time you knew what f**k mean. pah then yelled out "mah" get down here son want sto know what f**k mean. mah comes down stairs pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your posission.he turns to his son and said son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh"watch your pah go to work. then the boys sister came in the door and says what are they doin? the boy turns his head
    and with a smile he says they fuckin.
    sister says what does f**k mean.

    WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH"uh huh" WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.
  24. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in
  25. xfire

    xfire New Member

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    Come on people! where are the jokes?

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