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American Man Surgically Alters Thumbs to Use Hand-Held Devices

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#1
Thomas Martel, 28, of Bonnie Brae is a large man, with large hands and thumbs. This became a problem whenever Martel used small handheld devices such as the Palm Treo and Blackberry. He always mashed the wrong keys by accident, and kept loosing the stylus that went along with the device. Martel's iPhone made him realize he had to do something if he wanted to stay competitive in the business world. And so, he went to his local plastic surgeon, and got his thumbs whittled down. The procedure involves cutting into both thumbs, shaving down the bones, and carefully trimming muscles/fingernails. "This is really, on the edge sort of stuff," explains Dr. Robert Fox Spars, who worked on developing the procedure. "We're turning plastic surgery from something that people use in service of vanity, to a real tool for improving workplace efficiency." Martel couldn't be happier with the results of the surgery, as it eliminates a titanic amount of frustration with using hand-held devices.

Source: North Denver News
 
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#2
Thomas Martel, 28, of Bonnie Brae is a large man, with large hands and thumbs. This became a problem whenever Martel used small handheld devices such as the Palm Treo and Blackberry. He always mashed the wrong keys by accident, and kept loosing the stylus that went along with the device. Martel's iPhone made him realize he had to do something if he wanted to stay competitive in the business world. And so, he went to his local plastic surgeon, and got his thumbs whittled down. The procedure involves cutting into both thumbs, shaving down the bones, and carefully trimming muscles/fingernails. "This is really, on the edge sort of stuff," explains Dr. Robert Fox Spars, who worked on developing the procedure. "We're turning plastic surgery from something that people use in service of vanity, to a real tool for improving workplace efficiency." Martel couldn't be happier with the results of the surgery, as it eliminates a titanic amount of frustration with using hand-held devices.

Source: North Denver News
Wonder if his insurance covers that.

Otherwise, I bet his business did. :roll:
 

Wile E

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#3
Wow, just wow.
 

Wile E

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#5
...though opening spaghetti sauce jars has been a problem. That was a surprise.
LOL. You don't say?
 
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#7
Editor's Note

Saturday, 11 August 2007

Strangely, while many readers have grasped that "Surgically alters thumbs" represents satirical social commentary, many on the internet, alas, have not. Careful reading of the piece makes it clear to any critical consumer of information that the piece is pure humor and not news or reported as fact.

Among the points of the piece: that U.S. society accepts plastic surgery and decorative deformation of the human body for vanity, but not other reasons (consider the Bonds steroid stories); that technology has become a new cult phenomena, in which items are praised or ridiculed based upon tribal allegiances instead of functionality and performance (and we are members of the Cult of the Mac- iPhone division); and we like to pretend that some of our writers have a sense of humor.

For those who have "debunked" the HUMOR piece, thanks for pointing out that there are no muscles in the thumbs, and that the timeline from iPod release to successful surgery is pure fantasy. Also "whittling"?!?! Come on, pollexplasty, from the Latin for thumb, pollex, perhaps, but not whittling!!

Additionally, many commentators have derided Mr. Martel for stupidity first and foremost, which may indicate something about their credulity. In an era when fake news, like Paris Hilton, has crowded out real news and public debate, the lesson is that skeptical consumption of information, whether from the North Denver News, the New York Times, or the National Review, is a must.

By the way, for odd skeptics, the North Denver News is a monthly community newspaper serving Northwest Denver, with about 35,000 readers. The North Denver News is entering our sixth year of publication, and along with our sister paper, The Cherry Creek News, are the largest community news presence in Denver. Our web presence, which features stories from the paper as well as other news, satire and commentary, is updated several times weekly, and will do about a million page views in calendar 2007.

FYI, there is no Thomas Martel (aka Tommy the Hammer) or Dr. Ben Fox Spars. The Fox of course, is reference to Fox News (aka Faux News). James Benfly is fictive as well, the nom de plume of one of our writers. And thanks to Franz Kafka, who must be smiling upon this whole episode.
 
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#9
Sorry! LOL :roll:
 

WarEagleAU

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#10
Wow..amazing.
 
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#11
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#12
I wouldn't put it past some of those crazy american folk, they do some pretty weird shit over there....
 

Frick

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#13
Editor's Note
Careful reading of the piece makes it clear to any critical consumer of information that the piece is pure humor and not news or reported as fact.
I think that's one of the problems on the internet: There's just too much information to handle. We put our eyes on lot's of things, but it feels like it ends there.

But aren't there muscels in the thumbs?
 
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#14
"there are no muscles in the thumbs"

And the award for stupidest quote of the year goes to ...

 

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#15
"there are no muscles in the thumbs"

And the award for stupidest quote of the year goes to ...

That's another problem with the internet: Unfriendly people.
 

hat

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#16
Ah, a useful plastic surgery. Not some dude coming in saying AHH I'M TOO FAT CUT OFF MY TITS!! :roll:
 
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#17
Chill plz.
 
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#18
Wow, I just got a kick out of this thread.
 

3991vhtes

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#19
now, thats pretty coool
 
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#20
Far out. i thought people only published these sort of BS stories on April Fools' Day.
 
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#21
To be honest, I thought it was a legit story :p.

Well, nothing wrong with a laugh. It's quite an interesting story, regardless of whether or not it's fact or fiction :).
 
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#22
To be honest, I thought it was a legit story :p.

Well, nothing wrong with a laugh. It's quite an interesting story, regardless of whether or not it's fact or fiction :).
I can see someone going to a plastic surgeon saying....."I saw this on the web...I want it!"