Steam Skyrim Contest !!

[Solaris17]

It was 0137 EST zero hour. I was enjoying a cig or 2, quietly browsing the steam store. While my investigation of the current deals proved fruitful I came across what I thought was a jewel, While my cart was almost completely full brimming with the new binaries I managed to purchase on my mediocre salary I was cheerful and soon to be susceptible to the worst game purchase of my life.
The game was operation flash-point: Dragon rising. A very cool sounding game. The screenshots spoke of its heavenly demeanor. A beautiful mix between COD BF and the squad play of the tom clancy series. At $4.99 I thought I had stumbled upon the diamond in the ruff. I bought it. As my download completed on the better then usual network speeds im used to I booted it up. Thats when it hit me. The ghost like figures on my screen, the sharp detail the thousands of pixles displaying in ultimate joy the HORRER within. My god what have I done? the tearing was improbable the texture maps looked like my sisters failed attempts at a decent lasagna.
It was a sham I had been had. I tried for hours is my quiet room the sound of typing and the slow burn of a somewhat decent cigg in my mouth only ruined by the taste of stale air in my mouth as I held my breath waiting, no pining for the configuration changes to apply. The screen when dark the echos of a 256bit audio stream making my speakers scream with a loop only nascar could love. The PC had frozen. Frantically I rebooted slamming my finger on the delete key hoping it was me, hoping I had killed the beast, maybe I missed something some minute detail a mhz here a mV there. It was all stability. Foolishly like a coke whore I was convinced it would all be fine in the end.
My god how foolish. For the next 2 hours the game bucked and rolled no driver on the planet could calm the monster and no amount of ciggs could change the way I felt. Then it happened. I was in. My prayers answered and my memory void of all the other games I purchased. I was high on the feeling of calming the beast. I played and I played hard. Something was nipping at my though something deep within. I had finally found it. It was all around me. 2d bitmaps. The bushes were lack luster. The mouse acceleration was all fucked up.
My squad mates were about as intelligent as the rock that bullets could go through. I was being shot. no support the map was fubar. Reloading took to long for a second i was almost certain I was using a hawking. I was dying fast I saw one of the squad get shot i the knee a killer blow for sure. Except it actually killed him. This was madness I ran up to the house took down one or two men, I cant remember its all hazy. Then i was inside. I miraculously walked through a wall. The hesitation was killer, Literally I was shot given my depth perception and the tracer round which I knew I disabled Id say it went through my neck.
I spawned the second time wasn't much better level 1 map 1 area 1 a bloodbath till the very end. Not one to give up I raced I strategically Placed I had more suppressive fire then the seals, but I might as well have been a beached wale I was pinned. The best I could muster was staying alive. I went for it. I made the men push I ran around taking the flank. I got them all except the twins in the small shack. frag out one ran the other didn't notice the impending doom.
Target acquired. I ran after the other. blind fire has a better name. shooting with eyes closed. I was so close I sprayed bullets ahead of me I got down to about 4. I stop he swings around I take to the red dot to guide me straight and true. He shoots im hit I strafe left blood on the screen but im still moving my legs working on sheer will. I steady and take aim. I got him upper chest 2" below the neck. 10ft out ill make the shot and he will drop like a comet. The bullets whizzing by I breath in this is it. ban ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Audio loop the game crashed. I never figured out what happened that day. Everything else worked fine. The benchmarks the games the music. I never went back though. its just one of those memories. the ones you cant talk about the ones you hope you'll never remember.

 

[brandonwh64]

Right that's it you're gone! qubit's increasing blood pressure

Note from Kreij : When Q's head explodes watch out for angry bird-brain shrapnel.

HAHA?

 

[qubit]

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/00...itten_makes_head_explode_cuteness_xlarge.jpeg

HAHA?

Oh god, kitties are my weakness. Why did you do dis to me?

 

[3volvedcombat]

That fucking Burger King 360 game...... (When it barley came out)

that GAMESTOP sold to me for 10$.

like 3 maps, and 3 races, and buggy as tracks with serious clipping issue's.........

I was a little kid back then so I did not know shit about game's/geometry/engines/ ect ect...

I was looking for something about racing back then, took it back and grabbed some other game with an extra 5 dollars on top, I think need for speed underground(Decent game).

 

[DonInKansas]

I deem this contest unfair... it is clearly made for crazyeyesreaper to win... :shadedshu

Fortunately his brutal spelling, punctuation, and grammar skills work against him so it's kind of a wash.

 

[DannibusX]

http://img.techpowerup.org/111108/desktop.jpg

Brandon.

From the bottom right corner.

Three icons left. Three icons up.

Embiggen plz.

 

[brandonwh64]

Brandon.

From the bottom right corner.

Three icons left. Three icons up.

Embiggen plz.

Thats my wife LOL

 

[DannibusX]

Thats my wife LOL

Embiggen, plz.

 

[brandonwh64]

Embiggen, plz.

 

[Solaris17]

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/34835733/Pictures/pics 001.jpg

Solaris17 is AFK

 

[FordGT90Concept]

I added a video to my official entry.

Unofficial entries (honorable mention):

Restricted Area: It's an RPG that started out alright but within hours, it became clear that it was an anti-entertaining grind fest. I decided I was going to beat it no matter what so I whipped out the memory editor to fast-track completing the game. Not only did it disappoint quickly, it added insult to injury when the game ended up in hell itself. If Big Rigs weren't so terrible, this title would have readily taken its place as the worst. Most of you probably never heard of it and I don't blame you for it.


Dreamfall: The Longest Journey (PC): This thing is gushing with "bad" and "wrong." Let's start with the obvious: the x-axis on the mouse is backwards! You have to move the mouse left to look right and right and to look left. It drove me insane throughout the entire game. Less obvious is how the game is a major departure from The Longest Journey which was very well done. The gameplay is different as it was shifted from a point and click adventure to more of an action-adventure. It didn't work well simply because the engine they used for it served that role poorly. Add to it the fact that the plot was complex and mostly unrelated the original title was disheartening. And the worst aspect of all, I couldn't stand the voice-overs of the lead female role. Nothing is a turn off more to a game than grinding your teeth everytime the main character interacts with someone.


Myst III: Because II and IV are getting so much hate, I had to pick on III. The reason is simple: It was a complete departure (gameplay wise) from I, II, and IV. Not only that, but it seemed to have a completely random plot that was largely incoherent. It also abandoned the picturesque, beautiful imagery in the aforementioned titles for a 3D engine that would have been fine in the other two titles didn't exist before it. You simply can't change a series that dramatically and expect to get away with it.

Solaris17 is AFK

Too. Much. Information!

 

[Easy Rhino]

no fair, this contest is tailor made for crazyeyesreaper!

 

[Delta6326]

Never mind I couldn't wait and bought the game.

Game: The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion

Why: I had to apply a mod so I could get naked girlz... and shank them from behind..





JK shanking is bad

 

[Kreij]

no fair, this contest is tailor made for crazyeyesreaper!

See post #10 and add your name after gary's. Thank you.

 

[Wrigleyvillain]

Game: The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion

Why: I had to apply a mod so I could get naked girlz... and shank them from behind..


JK shanking is bad

Um...

 

[ZakkWylde]

911 paramedic, terrible terrible game. You were supposed to be a paramedic arriving on the scene and giving medical attention to some wounded person. You click and drag medical devices onto the person and it tells you their status. The whole game is static pictures of bodies which you click at and read about. If it was for training purposes it fails too as I've read that what it tells you to do is wrong lol. So not only is it a horrible gaming experience, it may kill someone from something other than boredom.

 

[AlienIsGOD]

Anyone on here admit to playing it I'll get you PERMABANNED!!! And that includes the likes of Kreij*, erocker and yeah, even W1zz, no one's safe. I'll ban the whole bloody forum! Muhahahaha!!!

OMGWTFBBQLOL !!! I play Angry Birds every day and night, may just stop playing WoW and BF3 for more aviatory goodness

 

[Wrigleyvillain]

may just stop playing WoW and BF3 for more aviatory goodness

Well you're on the right track with the first one, there...

 

[theubersmurf]

Am I overlooking it, or is there no deadline in the OP?

 

[qubit]

Am I overlooking it, or is there no deadline in the OP?

It's here:

Duration
- Any entries that are dated prior to November 19th, will be accepted.

 

[AsRock]

It has to be Revenge of the Rednecks for me like OMG that game re thinking the memOOrys is painful.

 

[MilkyWay]

I did read the rules so you can count me out as i cant bare to write anything funny about this game but Turning Point: Fall of Liberty for PC is terrible. The AI is the main problem, its not very smart and then later on in the game it starts to get heavily scripted. The level design is terrible and the game is boring.

Extreme Paintbrawl 1 and 2 are really shit games

 

[mediasorcerer]

The alpha protocol, i burned myself with that purchase. Absolute shocker. I think i was on it for about 3 minutes before quitting. "role playing espionage" haha.

It was priced for 2$ on steam i think, 2$ too much! {insert snicker}

Come to think of it, theres one more to add, Heroes over Europe, should never have been made.

 

[AlienIsGOD]

Well you're on the right track with the first one, there...

well played sir honestly tho i took almos a year off of WoW and it did me some good. Ima kinda guy that like to stick with one or two games for the long haul.

ON TOPIC: worst game i have ever played was Kings Quest series (pick any of em). I couldnt stand teh 2D scrolling maps with no depth, which made walking on stairs or narrow paths very difficult. I may have only been 10-12 years old, but I made the proper decision to quit while i was ahead.

 

[theubersmurf]

So My initial entry failed because, I didn't read the rules carefully and entered an Atari 2600 game when the content is restricted to PC titles. But this is okay. TBH, I had thought entering ET to be a bit mundane anyway, it's an easy target.

So the worst PC game I think I've ever played, Was Lost Planet: Extreme condition. This is the worst thing I'd ever installed on a PC whose purpose was ostensibly to give me some kind of pleasure. Virus infected pornographic applications have given me more pleasure, including the cleanup process.

I remember it being billed as an FPS title. This was, at least by default untrue. By default it's a third person shooter, and having lived through some older titles that attempted this, that alone made me wary of this as a potentially heinous pos.

It was a capcom title, which actually intrigued me at the time. An eastern take on FPS? This could be really interesting!!! Oh the folly and the failure. This is, another instance of having my curiosity sh!tting on me.

The first tip off that I was about to eat another sh!t sandwich was The cast of an anime meeting me to debrief me. This was my crew apparently, some kid, an underdressed girl for a planet covered in ice. An ostensible leader whose face needed "Douche" tattooed on it both forward and backward so that the people dealing with him knew what they were in for and he himself could read it in the mirror he likely lovingly gazed into so that he could be reminded what he was, since he'll doubtlessly forget.

That and the hamstrung story, a denizen of the planet called an Akrid (presumably "acrid" reworked into a species name). That killed my father. Really? On a planet called EDN III (Eden[facepalm]) A particular akrid, with a monstrous countenance more akin to an animal than a man I'm giving the regard of wanting revenge on. This makes no sense. In all honesty I didn't make it to the confrontation with the Akrid that killed my father in game, so I have no idea if it bears any sort of weight later on. But All the Akrid I encountered in game did not seem sapient, and I find the idea of revenge on animals akin to psychosis, (Look into Captain Ahab here) but anyway, the rationales of bad games are...something, and this was indeed, something. Probably there is a little something lost in translation as well. But coming to the conclusion to eat vomit made more sense than the rationales in this game.

So the game plods forward from your first encounter with the the anime team and yourself into a frozen wasteland that doesn't look entirely horrible. You shoot stuff, it dies. Pretty simple. But not a functional FPS title. The responsiveness of the character while in the first person is poor to say the least. Your gait is slow and mechanical. It is not conceived of well as first person shooters go. It's pacing makes it drudgerous, and the sluggish, clumsy movement make it unplayable as an fps. I know many of you play fps with great relish, and you're aware of your need to be able to respond, both quickly and deftly. This was neither, it was not meant to be played as an fps. Oh well, I sort of thought, maybe it will work another way. I'll keep going for a bit in the third person.

There had been a cancer growing in my brain the whole time however. The game requires the accumulation of heat which you store for the purposes of health and ammo. If you know anything about heat, and you likely know at least a little, you probably know about the idea of entropy. Entropy says that eventually, there will be equal energy in all particle's collisions, such that there is no heat, or equal heat, exchanged in collision. There will be equal energy, in all collisions committed by all particles. That all heat will be equally distributed around the universe in a dusty particle field. This can be a little challenging a concept, but heat, in part because of this phenomenon, is hard to store in a conventional way. In this game you have an implant on your arm that stores heat. Storing heat is challenging. You need a large volume to store heat without dense, heavy, high pressure storage. And things like that are dangerous to carry on your person. Actually the word is "Explosive".

Scientists consider heat capacitation akin to a pipedream. It may not be impossible, and they work toward it every time the opportunity seems to present itself, but it's not considered, well, likely. They hope it exists, and if it does we have some super useful tools at our disposal, but it's not considered very likely. Chemical storage seems to be the best method.

Similarly superconductors of heat are likened unto Kim Kardashian getting it on with Steven Hawking. A desirable idea (well, for him it would probably an amount nice, provided she didn't try to communicate anything) but not very likely. There is the storage of energy in chemical bonds. and this is sort of the safest. There are some stable chemical forumlations that take specific methods to get the energy out, C4 is one you're all familiar with.

So some kind of chemical storage unit, or perhaps an undescribed heat capacitor is on your arm in game. Which is effing scary. That heat has to come out somehow, no matter what, that heat has to come out eventually. The very notion of carrying around a heat capacitor on your arm is absolutely frightening, and literally stupid in a hostile environment. Which the game sets the stage as your being in.

I don't usually quibble over unexplained science fiction provided it sticks kind of close to reality. Even if they take an hypothesized concept and make a hash out of it, I'm often okay with that. But storing heat is dangerous and in a hostile environment literally crazy, and that thing needs to be reworked. It steps over the line from being ill-conceived into the realm of the idiotic. The akrid, drop what I think is an organ that provides heat when they die. Now you probably know heat is stored in the form of calories in the biology we're familiar with. Fat, and muscle, and the glucose the fat can be burned into.

I don't know the hypothetical exobiology in the game but your'e taking chemical energy and picking it up off of corpses, and processing it into...something. Are you eating it? How else does one process biologically stored energy other than to eat it. It is the process of eating in a nutshell. So perhaps your heat capacitor is partially biological? Who knows, Some sort of storage of heat is going on, and not through insulation. I will admit that this is something that bugs me about this game, some others may not look at this very closely, but the core point of this is, Entropy says this heat needs to get out eventually. And it will. Which means you're carrying a big charge of something on your arm in a hostile environment. Which is effing stupid. And you don't need to be an engineer nor a physicist to understand it. You're carrying a potential bomb on your person. Bad idea in hostile environs.

Some of you are probably saying something like C4 is very stable without the proper ignitors, that is well stored chemical energy. This is true, but this capacitor or whatever on your arm is constantly taking up energy and dispensing it for use as ammunition. This thing is volatile, like your RAM. This thing can kill you.

I apologize for the lengthy explanation, however, The idiocy of this story device and in-game device made my brain hurt. This is the kind of stupid that makes sci-fi into schlock. It's in the arena of Arthur C. Clarke's "Any sufficiently advanced technology will appear as magic" category. But the leader of the anime characters, that douche I described earlier went unfazed. Somehow the grav gun in Half Life 2 and it's children I can take more easily, probably because it's taken seriously in part, They at least address it a little. In Lost Planet, they don't even gloss over it. Actually, I think it's just that HL2 is a better game, but they bypass it directly. I guess the game devs don't really have a sense of how cool that kind of technology really is, or it's useful applications.

It was always on a nerve and in collusion with the poor action of the game eventually boiled until I wanted to go burn down Capcom's headquarters with some thermite, compressed LOX, and some boiled fat for them to chew while I burned down their headquarters and explained to them these ideas about the way heat behaves.

The tedium and stupidity eventually collided in the culminated in the uninstallation of the game, and me getting mighty drunk, swearing that they needed some sort of reckoning for this. Capcom is a good game developer. I'm not the biggest fighting game fan, but I like watching, and in this arena Capcom is excellent, Perhaps peerless. But in the world of fps they are children, wearing hats covered in macaroni art and weird little colorful pieces of plastic designed to make them look (to a child's mind) like an alien.

But anyway, my hang-ups about the clearly bad science aside, this game blows the elephant man for peanuts.

I have the sense that this title sort of worked as a console title. And if that's true, more power to those of you that enjoyed it. However, as a PC title, well, It's just not a good game. The action is slow and mechanical for an action game, and the story is like slurping dog sh!t through a straw.