Got this in an e-mail.
Sarah Palin’s Guide to Finding Out if You are Gay:
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay because God never meant for men to look good after 40. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' (You're fit to be framed, you're so gay).
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, moose shanks, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and, no question, undeniably gay.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. In the Bible is says: “A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases just as God had ordained it...”
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're gay. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, obviously, too. You might as well have a penis in your mouth. If you wear a Bluetooth headset at Starbucks, you have a penis in your ass too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. He is too busy being a real man by trying to secede from the United States.
7. If you can pick out chartreuse (unless its on a fishing lure) or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY TYPE of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
8. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off? The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a mooseburger, or hold his beer.
9. If you do not send this off to all the femmy males on your e-mail list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then, face it, you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
