- Joined
- Feb 24, 2023
- Messages
- 4,323 (4.93/day)
- Location
- Russian Wild West
| System Name | D.L.S.S. (Die Lekker Spoed Situasie) |
|---|---|
| Processor | i5-12400F |
| Motherboard | Gigabyte B760M DS3H |
| Cooling | Laminar RM1 |
| Memory | 32 GB DDR4-3200 |
| Video Card(s) | RX 6700 XT (vandalised) |
| Storage | Yes. |
| Display(s) | MSi G2712 |
| Case | Matrexx 55 (slightly vandalised) |
| Audio Device(s) | Yes. |
| Power Supply | Thermaltake 1000 W |
| Mouse | Don't disturb, cheese eating in progress... |
| Keyboard | Makes some noise. Probably onto something. |
| VR HMD | I live in real reality and don't need a virtual one. |
| Software | Windows 11 / 10 / 8 |
| Benchmark Scores | My PC can run Crysis. Do I really need more than that? |
So, you are a young, ambitious, and explosive game developer?
Want your game to destroy the competition?
Only dream of the highest quality features in your projects?
Here you go!
The ideal bystander NPC:
• Moves as fast as other bystanders, unless something extreme is going on. This doesn't matter what shoes they wear, they will walk 3 something MPH both on stupid high heels and on running sneakers.
• Never gets tired of running. Even if this NPC looks like they died long before you were born. Even if you've seen them smoking. They just boost and run away from you because apparently stamina is only limited if you're a protagonist.
• Clips into anything that remotely resembles a thing you can't realistically pass through. 9 and 3/4th FTW!
• Starts freaking out every time you shoot or throw a grenade, or kick anything. It doesn't matter you stopped doing suspicious things five playthroughs ago, they will freak out forever. And loud.
• Drives like a complete anxiety disorder quintessence. 50 MPH in the fast lane, 20 MPH in other lanes on the motorway, 5 MPH inside city. Fifth gear only exists if you touch their car with yours. Then they actively freak out and start driving at the top speed not actively paying attention to obstacles and ultimately ruining their vehicle alongside themselves.
• Doesn't even attempt to get away on their vehicle if you are a walking menace. Reasonable people would've overrun a guy who points a gun at them, yet the ideal NPC will get out of their car and start freaking out, also running in the least sensible direction, usually dying from being overrun by another vehicle. How? 5 MPH is, apparently, enough to kill a bystander NPC.
• Dies instantly regardless of your way of doing so. Shot their leg with a water pistol? DEATH.
• Whilst you are having vehicle handling issues, they are, instead of running deeper into the pavement or hiding in the nearest building, jumping straight under your wheels. "But officer, this guy jumped himself!" won't undo the wanted level of course.
• If killed because of your actions, will be counted as a crime regardless if that was an act of self defence. Even if this happened in the US. 2nd amendment is for anyone but the protagonist.
• Starts spouting death threats the moment you try talking to them. NPCs hate protagonists!
• Gets their LOD vastly simplified as soon as you are a couple feet away from them.
• Randomly disappears for no apparent reason. Spontaneous teleportation is real.
• Sometimes gets immortal and goes postal. Yet the cops are still dead sure you are the one they need to stop.
• Occasionally falls off the bridge or anything you can fall off lethally. Reasons? Do you really need them?
• Wears absolutely nonsensical clothes like biker shorts on top of full-on formal trousers with their feet, torso, and head being naked at 0F/-18C.
• Occasionally walks into burning things and dies of burning down for no apparent reason.
• Sees you falling off some higher location and instead of asking if you are alright and offering help they, right, just freak out and run away.
• Calls you names repeatedly.
• Can't swim.
• Occasionally becomes paralysed and stop moving. Sometimes T-poses as well.
• They also forget to have their head textures enabled from time to time.
• Last but not the least: they usually don't sign your petition.
Want your game to destroy the competition?
Only dream of the highest quality features in your projects?
Here you go!
The ideal bystander NPC:
• Moves as fast as other bystanders, unless something extreme is going on. This doesn't matter what shoes they wear, they will walk 3 something MPH both on stupid high heels and on running sneakers.
• Never gets tired of running. Even if this NPC looks like they died long before you were born. Even if you've seen them smoking. They just boost and run away from you because apparently stamina is only limited if you're a protagonist.
• Clips into anything that remotely resembles a thing you can't realistically pass through. 9 and 3/4th FTW!
• Starts freaking out every time you shoot or throw a grenade, or kick anything. It doesn't matter you stopped doing suspicious things five playthroughs ago, they will freak out forever. And loud.
• Drives like a complete anxiety disorder quintessence. 50 MPH in the fast lane, 20 MPH in other lanes on the motorway, 5 MPH inside city. Fifth gear only exists if you touch their car with yours. Then they actively freak out and start driving at the top speed not actively paying attention to obstacles and ultimately ruining their vehicle alongside themselves.
• Doesn't even attempt to get away on their vehicle if you are a walking menace. Reasonable people would've overrun a guy who points a gun at them, yet the ideal NPC will get out of their car and start freaking out, also running in the least sensible direction, usually dying from being overrun by another vehicle. How? 5 MPH is, apparently, enough to kill a bystander NPC.
• Dies instantly regardless of your way of doing so. Shot their leg with a water pistol? DEATH.
• Whilst you are having vehicle handling issues, they are, instead of running deeper into the pavement or hiding in the nearest building, jumping straight under your wheels. "But officer, this guy jumped himself!" won't undo the wanted level of course.
• If killed because of your actions, will be counted as a crime regardless if that was an act of self defence. Even if this happened in the US. 2nd amendment is for anyone but the protagonist.
• Starts spouting death threats the moment you try talking to them. NPCs hate protagonists!
• Gets their LOD vastly simplified as soon as you are a couple feet away from them.
• Randomly disappears for no apparent reason. Spontaneous teleportation is real.
• Sometimes gets immortal and goes postal. Yet the cops are still dead sure you are the one they need to stop.
• Occasionally falls off the bridge or anything you can fall off lethally. Reasons? Do you really need them?
• Wears absolutely nonsensical clothes like biker shorts on top of full-on formal trousers with their feet, torso, and head being naked at 0F/-18C.
• Occasionally walks into burning things and dies of burning down for no apparent reason.
• Sees you falling off some higher location and instead of asking if you are alright and offering help they, right, just freak out and run away.
• Calls you names repeatedly.
• Can't swim.
• Occasionally becomes paralysed and stop moving. Sometimes T-poses as well.
• They also forget to have their head textures enabled from time to time.
• Last but not the least: they usually don't sign your petition.
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